Kara,

I am not even going to begin say that I understand what your going through. I can't. I've gone through similar times and feelings but ultimately I can sympathize with you and your situation but without being in it I cannot understand it. That said, I have no clue who is involved that made you feel this way. Nor is it truly my business, so I am not going to ask. However I think, I have a little bit of a handle on what the situation may be in it's basics.

People at their very core tend to be very blind creatures. Not only are we blind to reality because we can't comprehend the entirety of anything; but what we can understand we choose to disillusions ourselves of. It is a type of 'soul-editing' in a way. This innate need to be comfortable makes us pick and choose what we can and cannot 'see' as well as how we truly see it. We all do things hurtful things. I am not going to even begin to pretend like this is a defense for the actions of anyone. Because it's not, if anything it is a sad statement and accusation centering on the the state of people today. Basically, cut out all the silly psycho babble (something i tend to do) we commit crimes against ourselves and others because we are geared to think of ouselves, and others only in how they relate to ourselves. This causes most of our actions and then when/if we finally see what our actions have done we cannot or do not want to cope. So we do the next easiest thing; we hide and pretend that we don't know. This isn't always an entirely concious decision.

So, then, when confronted, why is it turned around on us? For much the same reasons. It is much easier for us to pass blame and say 'well, i did that because you did this...' or 'im not trying to blame you but, this is how your actions affected me'. I am unfortunately have been just as guilty of this as the next person. The other end of it is that, while you are doing the person a favor by trying to point this out 9/10 times it won't matter how delicate you put it is going to hit them (sooner or later) as 'look at you, your wrong. this is why you deficiant and inferior to me'. It isn't because you are an asshole or because your a bad person. A good many times it's not even because they are a bad person. It's because, they are insecure in themselves and are having to deal with that. Realizing that your at fault or even that your not the person you think you are/want to be hurts. Because of this, they retaliate. We may not mean to do it, but ultimately we do and intentions only go so far.

As far as being better. We all do it. We like to pretend that we are above animals. Mayhaps we are. That doesn't mean we dont share traits with them. One of those shared traits is a pecking order and a need to establish it. We all have that need to say THIS IS ME!! DAMMIT! AND THIS IS THE TRAIT THAT MAKES ME ME!!! Bragging and showing off and pretending that others are inferior is as much our way of trying to advance in that pecking order as it is our way to try and comfort ourselves that we do have self worth. Much of out postering is only masquerading as the message 'I'm better than you!" what it really is saying is 'I am unsure of the one quality that I think defines me. PLEASE LOOK! PLEASE TELL ME THAT IT DOES MATTER and so do I!"
So I guess, my answer would be yes, we all are vain in one way or another. I'm not sure how that should be taken. But on many levels it is true.

The truth of it aside, I don't think any of us have a right to shun someone or pretend that we are better. Doesn't mean we dont do it. Just that it is not correct. NOR ARE YOU SOMEONE THAT SHOULD BE SHUNNED OR MADE TO FEEL INFERIOR. (ILL BEAT ANYONE WHO DOES SO). Pedestals are the same way. It's strange. But by doing either action, the behaviors already mentioned are caused. We pedestal a person and so everyone else starts feeling shunned or wrong and that they have to be the same as the person on the pedestal. So they begin to fight and claw in their own way to say that they too are worthy. Shunning can do the same to the pedestaled person as both create the other.

The last thing, and perhaps the most important thing to all that I want to address is whether or not what you have to say matters. It does. Plain and simple. Anybody saying otherwise is a liar. Emotions are alot like poison, they are spread and left to themselves corrupt. Whoever it is, that created this the best thing that you can do is to be honest with them. By all means, I am not saying be cold. Too many people mix being brutally honest and being brutal. I am not warning like this because I think you are some cold, unfeeling bitch. You are the opposite if anything. But by, not doing anything you do neither of you a favor. So go to them/her/him and lay it on the line. Be open and frank but make sure you are listening as much as talking. Sounds like b/s I know. But my last bits of advice are this:

-Tell them how you feel, let them know because they may not. And let things go from there. In the end of all things all you can do is follow your heart and ultimately it will end up how it is supposed to be. If you are truthful to someone and they leave you; or they are mean to you then it is because they are not the correct friend/lover/ or person for you to be around. Who you are, and how you feel is your truth and you owe that much to yourself and if anyone else can't see the gift that it is than fuck'em they don't deserve it. Be you, be still, and know that it all turns out.

- The other is something that my cousin Sarah told me; when I was in crisis over me and Ash. 90% of the time it is not the problem that breaks up a relationship (friend, family or otherwise); it is how that problem is dealt with.

-Okay, I lied. there's one more thing and I can't resist the dorky literary referance. It's perhaps my favorite point in "Count of Monte Cristo' and the quote goes something like this "Life is a storm, my friend. One minute you'll be basking on the rocks and the next you will be bashed upon those same rocks. That is when you must stand and say 'Do YOUR WORST! For I will DO MINE!" and then the world shall know you for who you truly are." I have always taken this for comfort. Because all you can do is be you and do your worst because everyone will do theirs. You are a wonderful person and anyone who can't see that is the most blind creature known. You said it yourself near the end. Fire, and storms purify. It sucks. It hurts. Sometimes it destroys and kills. But in the end you are stronger than all and if not you have me and many many others to fall back on. If you ever need anything at all. you know my number. Whether it's by yourself, or with help you will get through this and it will be better.


*sorry for the length; but I hope it helps however much it can.*

--
Every woman's got a name.
-Alice Cooper

Here if you need to talk, gone if you don't. I have nothing profound or helpful to say, except if the shit hits the fan I'll do my best to stand in the muck with you.

--
"I'm as badass as a piece of fluff."
Jani
avatar courtesy of [link]

Mind me, although others wrote alot to, here´s my comment to that, since I´m you´re brother and I care

_{It's funny. The past week, a lot of things have fallen into perspective for me...and some haven't so much fallen as they've been FORCED. Things like that happen I guess. I guess it works out that a few of those things are good, and others not so good. I've had these thoughts crashing and tumbling inside my head all week, and I can see them taking shape, and changing ME.}

I guess that happened to all of us, getting this feeling you described now. Especially if you´re not blind to the world around you and think about it, you sometimes notice that it´s like a huge puzzle with really tiny pieces that work together... sometimes like an avalance (sp) a huge amount of pieces get moving and just... change. And sometimes they get you to move along.

Whether you want. Or not.

Then it happens your view on the whole puzzle just changes.

_{It's hard when you know you should say or do something, when you know you should stand up for yourself or others. KNOWING you should do it is the easy part, it's DOING it that's hard. Especially if you don't want to make anyone upset, or create more stupid problems. The worst part is, people don't notice that they make you feel like shit a lot of the time. No matter who they are, whether you like each other or not, people genuinely have a problem of realizing when they're being assholes. The worst part? If they don't see themselves at fault, when you bring it up to them, it makes YOU look like the asshole. Lovely vicious cycle we have here, isn't it?}

Yeah. Lovely and the worst part of it is that it´s just that they can see the connection to WHY they made you feel like shit. The ones you love sometimes do that without them noticing... not on intention. Sometimes they just do something stupid =/ Can´t really put that any other way. But you know they don´t WANT to make you feel like shit^^

The others... well they just don´t give a fuck. They´re simply just to busy with what their lives throw at them. Problems, drama...

If you step up to the ones you love and tell them, they´re most likely to realize what they did, apologize and don´t do that anymore. Cz they love you like that :3

The others... they make you feel like shit because their first reaction is "I have all these problems, and now YOU come along with THIS?!". And they´re unlikely to change that opinion, especially if you can´t make them understand they acted stupid :/ Fail.

_{You have to stop and wonder, would it even matter if I said anything? Maybe. In my case, I think not. It's been the same too long, I can't see it changing, just getting worse. Being pushed out again. Yay. Happened before, was hoping it wouldn't happen again, but there's the evidence.}

For god sake! *huggles her tightly* it is very important that you step up and speak. If you don´t talk about what´s going on inside you... no one will know! Just a few will be able to guess if they know you enough... I don´t, sadly =/ by the way I´m sorry I haven´t been on for a long time, was unable to talk to you I´m a horrible brother.

NOW. Do not feel left out. Or even pushed away. Not by everyone that is.

You´re my biggest little sister, you should know: The world is full of people. You can´t meet everyone. And you can´t make anyone like or even love you. It´s why we should appreciate those bonds very much...

... and if you aren´t talking to those people that like / love you, how should they know you feel left or pushed away?

<sub>Tell me, as humans, why are we so conceited and vain? Even when we try or claim to be above that, every last one of us boils down to an odd sense of vanity. One person may put too much stock in their looks, another might think too highly of themselves because of a skill they have. But regardless of whether you're a supermodel or the absolute BEST at whistling, you're still human, and guess what? Everyone else around you is a human too.

Does it give you the right to treat one better over the others? Does it make it okay to shun some while you put others up on a pedestal?

I like to think not.</sub>

Now we´re gettin deep, aren´t we? xD Okay... you´ve started the Equal/Unique Mankind topic, here we go:

Sure, we´re all human. Aka Equal in what we are, need and want.
Then again, we´re special. Because of talent, experience and feelings.

The result?

Confusion.

I´ve been to where you´re now a while ago. I liked to think that every human on this planet works this way:

"I´m just like you, but..."

You´re human, just like me, but you´re american, female, beautiful, fun to be around, such a good friend I think of you as my little sister, smart, talented in art, creative, not blind to the world around her... ( the list goes on I just stop now, you should get my point now ).

Realize this: We are all human, that´s true. But we all are special at the same time. Like us two. I´m a guy. You´re a girl. HUGE difference.

How can we be the same when we´re given such a difference right at birth?

But then our past is different...
And then where we grew up at is different...

But we both are human...

... so can we be that difference?

Welcome to the Equal/Unique Mankind Topic. Take a seat. And a side. xD

Oh before I forget to put it: I´m wise like hell. That makes me special. Might be the only thing I´m good for, anyway xD

_{Ugh, I apologize for the boring sludge of rant above, but I'm basically bleeding out onto the journal page here. I'm upset, in a deep way that I'm not sure I can ever shake off. Something...broke, I don't know what or where in my anatomy it is, but it broke. And after that break, there was nothing left but anger, confusion, and hurt. The same old feelings. Rising up again every time I have to deal with this bullshit. I've dealt with it in the past at least four different times, one of those times had to do with my own family, and I still can't talk to my two cousins without feeling this sick, annoying tension between us. It's what happens once you open your mouth and say the truth. So should I remain silent and continue to take it, or deal with it and lose something important?}

*holds her close, looks at her then kisses her forehead, just to hold her even closer* I don´t know what it was that happened to you, but I´m sorry for that my poor little sister... Don´t feel sorry for writing all down here. You know that I´m going to read it this way, sooner and later, and I´m sure to listen and to help you out as much as I can ( even if its just words ). I´ve promised you, and I´m not willing to break that promise. Because I really care about you .

Now... I can understand where the anger, confusion and hurt comes from. Since it was something that happened again, after four times in your past. I don´t know what broke deep within you, but I guess you just were disappointed for that this shit happened again that you´ve lost alot of trust, leading your faith ( maybe soul ) in general to suffer.

This is a horrible feeling. I can relate though. I´ve had it when I still trusted and liked my family, hoping for better days with them, but they didn´t gave up to fuck up with me I´ve gave up on them now they can do whatever they want... fuck them. But that was just my solution to that.

Again, if you´re about to loose something important, you should fight for it to remain having it. It´s your life we´re talking about. And ( ironic here: We´re going back to the Equal/Unique thing again ) in one point, everyone is the same: We all just want to be happy. The thing is... we have to fight for it. Especially when we have to fight for something we have, but are about to loose. That´s one of the most hardest fights someone might have to face.

It´s so hard because you already know what it feel like to have something, no matter what important thing to you it might be. And therfore you know how hard it would be to loose it... so you´re afraid to screw up and loosign it in the end.

And well... That´s what you are now. Questioning yourself whether it would be better to fight ( aka go and speak up for yourself ) or to give up and atleast hope for that you wont loose the important thing in your life. I don´t know if I´m right or not. You just sound that way here.

Okay so... Kara. My sister. I luff you. So listen up.

You have to stand up and fight. Since like I already told you: No one else is going to stand up for you and fight for you instead. Not even Brian. Although you´re really close and he´s the one that knows you best: He´s not you. He won´t know what you feel ( cept for that the things he has and wants to know ^^ of course! ) exactly... only you do that.

And... well worst case ( you´re somewhat afraid of now ) is that you screw up somehow and aren´t able to fix it. And in the end you´ll loose the important thing that way. But you know what? Atleast ýou´re be able to tell yourself that you honestly tried everything you could´ve done to keep it.

It´s not much... I know. But it´s atleast something, compared to do nothing.

_{Guess it's not important anymore actually, if it's come down to this point, it's not important to the others, so I guess it shouldn't be important to me. *sigh* I know I'm not making any sense, but for obvious reasons, I can't go into the details. Plus, re-living the details would only make me more upset.}

I have to agree... it doesn´t make any sense. BUT! I´m your brother, again I luff and care about you, so noting me anytime is an option. Plus you won´t have to face me waiting for your note so you can take it slow and type everything down untill you feel upset and can take a break to write on later, when you feel better. Get me? I hope so.

Remember, I will read it and try to help you the best I can... I can´t stand just image you being unhappy

I disagree on "It´s unimportant to others, so it shouldn´t be important to me either." Agian... they´re not you. If it´s important to you, it´s important to you! So fuck what others think! Really! It´s your life, not for others to decide what´s important to you!

<sub>I can feel the shift coming. It's like the feeling before a terrible storm. You can taste, smell, feel, and hear the storm, but you can't stop it from crashing down on top of you. You know the rain will make the plants grow and the wind will cool down the hot summer air, but living through it.... Sometimes that's the real challenge. My life is about to shift away from one direction and towards another, and I'm leaving the fucking storm behind, because I'm sick of them.

That´s just life to all of us, Kara. We can do what we want... It just goes on. For the better or the worse. The storm will hit you eventually, even if you´re trying to avoid it. That´s where this feeling comes from, the feeling that it´s coming.

Because... if you wouldn´t feel it, there wouldn´t be the storm. Because it´s your life... and your storm. But you´re my little sister... ( how many times have I said that now? ) and I know you good enough that you´re strong enough to make it through it. As much as it sucks that you´ve had to face it 4 times before... atleast the bright side is that you made it everytime, no?

And... you´re not alone with those hurting feelings and all those confused thoughts on your mind Don´t ever forget that.

Though I´m not in time to help you out. Fuck time difference and distance! Dx

Only one person that reads this is probably going to understand any of it....

On a more lighter note: HA! I WON! DIDN`T I!? xDD

No really... I´ve read it, and I understood atleast SOME of it...

I hope the words I spilled are any help for you... I just can wait and hope now.

But... I did the best I could. Since it was for you

Luff you, Kara


PS.: This must be the longest comment I´ve ever wrote o.O</sub>

Some replies to this journal have hit the nail right on the head! At the moment, I feel as though nobody gives a damn about the work I show on DA. At the risk of sounding like a bad sport, what really puts the boot in is seeing just how well the more popular members of the DA community are doing (having loads of friends and getting umpteen thousand pageviews) I'm pretty certain they have worked hard to get where they are now, but I put just as much effort into my work, and hardly anyone takes a blind bit of notice (okay, maybe I could be a little more productive, and branch out with my work, but that still doesn't change how I feel) I really feel left out in the cold, I do. I've been wondering when I'm ever going to get my shot at the big time.

--
Bring me......the bore....worms!