Feel free to read, but this is more of a personal rant/journal, so don't feel obligated to sit through it. ^^

It's funny. The past week, a lot of things have fallen into perspective for me...and some haven't so much fallen as they've been FORCED. Things like that happen I guess. I guess it works out that a few of those things are good, and others not so good. I've had these thoughts crashing and tumbling inside my head all week, and I can see them taking shape, and changing ME.

It's hard when you know you should say or do something, when you know you should stand up for yourself or others. KNOWING you should do it is the easy part, it's DOING it that's hard. Especially if you don't want to make anyone upset, or create more stupid problems. The worst part is, people don't notice that they make you feel like shit a lot of the time. No matter who they are, whether you like each other or not, people genuinely have a problem of realizing when they're being assholes. The worst part? If they don't see themselves at fault, when you bring it up to them, it makes YOU look like the asshole. Lovely vicious cycle we have here, isn't it?

You have to stop and wonder, would it even matter if I said anything? Maybe. In my case, I think not. It's been the same too long, I can't see it changing, just getting worse. Being pushed out again. Yay. Happened before, was hoping it wouldn't happen again, but there's the evidence.

Tell me, as humans, why are we so conceited and vain? Even when we try or claim to be above that, every last one of us boils down to an odd sense of vanity. One person may put too much stock in their looks, another might think too highly of themselves because of a skill they have. But regardless of whether you're a supermodel or the absolute BEST at whistling, you're still human, and guess what? Everyone else around you is a human too.

Does it give you the right to treat one better over the others? Does it make it okay to shun some while you put others up on a pedestal?

I like to think not.

Ugh, I apologize for the boring sludge of rant above, but I'm basically bleeding out onto the journal page here. I'm upset, in a deep way that I'm not sure I can ever shake off. Something...broke, I don't know what or where in my anatomy it is, but it broke. And after that break, there was nothing left but anger, confusion, and hurt. The same old feelings. Rising up again every time I have to deal with this bullshit. I've dealt with it in the past at least four different times, one of those times had to do with my own family, and I still can't talk to my two cousins without feeling this sick, annoying tension between us. It's what happens once you open your mouth and say the truth. So should I remain silent and continue to take it, or deal with it and lose something important?

Guess it's not important anymore actually, if it's come down to this point, it's not important to the others, so I guess it shouldn't be important to me. *sigh* I know I'm not making any sense, but for obvious reasons, I can't go into the details. Plus, re-living the details would only make me more upset.

I can feel the shift coming. It's like the feeling before a terrible storm. You can taste, smell, feel, and hear the storm, but you can't stop it from crashing down on top of you. You know the rain will make the plants grow and the wind will cool down the hot summer air, but living through it.... Sometimes that's the real challenge. My life is about to shift away from one direction and towards another, and I'm leaving the fucking storm behind, because I'm sick of them.

Only one person that reads this is probably going to understand any of it....